Staring At God

It should surprise none of my readers that I am a verbal person. My college years were spent learning therapeutic communication. My learning style is primarily auditory (which means I rocked at lecture classes). I think in words, not pictures, and certainly not emotions.

I have, at times in my life, been at a loss for words. Generally bad times. The most vivid was the year I spent so angry at God all I could say to Him was The Lord’s Prayer. I said it sullenly, but I said it. I was like those disciples who remained after Jesus’ hard teaching turned the crowds away. “Where else can we go?” they asked. “Only You have the truth.” I don’t like you very much, but You’re all I’ve got, so I better stick close, you big meanie. OK, that part wasn’t in the Bible story, but I’m sure some of them were feeling it.

I’m not angry at God (much), but I’m tired. I’ve said everything I know how to say. I’ve pleaded, I’ve begged, I’ve railed and I’ve cried. I don’t have any more words.

I’m watching people I love do stupid things. I’m watching people I care about go through intense trials. I’m fighting my own exhaustion and interrupted schedule and losing. My garden dies for lack of rain, and I find dead sparrows in the parking garage stairwell. Every little pain seems amplified into mortal wounding and I’m tired of talking about it. Even to God.

So, He and I stare at each other. I don’t understand what He’s thinking or doing (I never have), but I’m not going anywhere and neither is He. I’ve said it all. It’s His turn to speak, if He chooses.

I’m listening.

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Categories: Faith Stuff | Tags: , , | 3 Comments

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3 thoughts on “Staring At God

  1. This may seem obvious, Robynn, but He does speak, in His Word.

    I had a similar experience yesterday in our singing time at church. I just stood there, letting my sorrow and anger weigh my soul down. The message was about the heart, and the way unconfessed sin can lead to a dull heart (Matt 13:15). Then the pastor added (in prep for Communion) that when we come to make an offering and have a need to make right with someone, we should stop and do that first. I realized (God speaking through His Word) that the reason why I wasn’t in the mood to sing is because I needed to ask someone’s forgiveness. I did, and I felt like singing again.

    Take that for what you will, but that experience helped me, and I’m known to have some mighty fierce staring competitions as well. ;) I realized the week before that holding a grudge against someone was not forgiving as I’ve been forgiven (Lord’s Prayer), and after repenting of that, I felt a ton better as well. Just thought I’d mention that in case that was more appropriate to your need… I don’t know, say from the blog post I read about the rowdy neighbors ;) … man, I just can’t stop. I too recently said that I wanted to put a sign in my front yard with something derogatory against motorcyclists that buzz by every fifteen seconds and make recording narrative work a very trying experience. So, I can relate there too. K, I’m done. Have a great day, Robynn.

  2. P.A.Baines

    I don’t have staring contests with God (there’s no point, He never blinks). Rather, I turn my back on Him, thrust my hands as deep into my pockets as the stitching will allow, extend my bottom lip half a yard from my face, and sulk like there’s no tomorrow. I’m sure He finds this amusing but I can’t help myself. Then, when I snap out of it and realize things weren’t as bad as I originally thought and didn’t end up as disastrously as I expected, I feel foolish and we have a good laugh about it together.

    I hope things turn around for you soon. And I’ve got a spare caffeine drip-feed if you need it. It’s the only thing stopping me from passing out at my computer right now.

  3. Ralene Burke

    I think I’m still in the fighting stage, though I’ve been in the staring stage before. His ways are not our ways, and I don’t think we’ll understand most things until we’re on the other side–even then, who knows. We just have to trust the Lord b/c He is the Truth, He knows all.

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