Want to know the biggest secret in the world? A secret so big that everyone already knows it, but still no one will talk about it?
Most grown-ups don’t know how to make friends.
It’s true. I’m one of them. So is my wife. We really struggle with this. Sure…I’ve got friends. I’m a friendly person. I’ll conversate and doing all kinds of friend-things with you. I’m not talking about that kind of thing. I’m talking about those really close friends. The kind that know you in and out, and that you’re not afraid to let your shields down with. At one point in my life I knew how to allow myself to be vulnerable around someone. Now I’ve forgotten. I don’t know how to make really close friends anymore.
I’ve found myself wondering lately why this is so. Maybe it’s because I had very few stable friends in my life. Maybe it’s because inevitably every time I find someone I think might be a good candidate I could grow close enough to be transparent with, either they move away or I discover that they already have a nice bank of friends. I’m the charity case and they don’t really need me. It would be rude to try to weasel into their circle when they probably don’t want me there, right? And the ones that move away? They usually never come back or lose touch in a matter of months.
Or at least that’s my perception of the thing. Do you ever feel like that?
So I find myself being unwilling to try nowadays. I’ve simply lost the ability to make friends…even if I had the ability to begin with. I thank God every day that my wife is my very best friend and that we at least have each other. But that doesn’t mean I don’t crave the companionship of another guy I can let my guard down with. You know…someone to hang out with, cry with, and share my darkest secrets with. I miss having one of those kinds of friends.
In twelve years, I’ve made one really close friend…and I don’t get to see him often, because in this case I’m the one who moved away in pursuit of following God. I’ve spent two and a half years in this new city starting this new life in graduate school, and the closest friends I’ve made have been through the internet and live scattered all over the world. I feel closer to these cyber-friends than I do my downstairs neighbor that I see every day.
So is there something wrong with me? Maybe. I’m trying to figure that out. But I do know this. While I’m sitting here feeling like an awkward junior high kid at a new school…I also know that I’m surrounded by hundreds of people who feel exactly the same way. It’s the big secret no one wants to talk about. Most grown-ups are really good actors when it comes to friendships. But in reality most of us feel quite alone and friendless.
We’re all just too stubborn…or maybe vulnerable…to admit to it.
What about you?
-k
Add me to the “friendless” list as well. But I fully admit it’s my fault. I am an extremely guarded person, and as much as I know in my head that I am missing out on some of the greatest joys in life by involuntarily keeping people at arm’s length, still it’s just that–involuntary. And like you, the person who is my closest friend right now lives 1000 miles away, and we only encounter each other through written communication or about a once a month phone call.
I could go on and on, but I do think technology has given us greater access to acquaintances at the expense of depth. If I don’t have to have some lemonade and cookies on hand and my house in reasonable shape because my neighbor might knock and want to chat, I can easily remain disengaged. And the more we remain disengaged, the more flaccid the social muscles become, you know?
Good discussion to fire up, Keven!
Technology both helps and hurts. We get to interact more with people than we might otherwise face to face. But it also allows us another layer of insulation if we want it.
As the 1000 miles away person I agree with fact that social media allows us to be a mile wide and an inch deep in most cases… but to be honest, striking a friendship online (though it is very notable to mention fb didn’t facilitate the real meat of the friendship nearly so well as e-mail, which is essentially letter writing) enabled me with some freedom of expression that I normally wouldn’t have dared face to face. The same electronic means that can make someone less tangible can also make the fear of receiving uncomfortable vibes or rejection in return for affection and transparency and even just being ‘me’ something less fearful since than being rejected by someone you have to interact with on a regular basis. I did still apologize for myself an awful lot early on out of fear I was crossing some undefined line (and was secretly afraid of having my intentions misjudged as something they weren’t) but if all you’ve really got is the written word, those words become (I found) more vital and almost demanding in their desire to escape and not return void.
I think too there was a value in being forced to work for the friendship right off the bat instead of having the luxury of living around the corner from one another (I tend to be laziest with those nearest). If I want to talk to you I have to find you. We aren’t going to bump into each other at church or at Target or get together for lunch. I either want the relationship and will work for it or I view it as a burden and I don’t. There’s probably a spiritual lesson in there somewhere.
But I’m probably the oddball head case of the group. I’ve got the transparency of cellophane (theoretically great as a Christian trait, but not always so great for me personally) and a tendency to say too much which has at least enabled me to find out very quickly if folks are going to love me for me or reject me for me… though I think that has also helped me to zero in on the very best sorts of friends worth keeping. I’ve always managed to have one very solid, hopefully for a lifetime friend at through almost my entire life.
I can totally relate to what you are saying but I have never been very good at the friend thing. Growing up I was always very shy and add to that the fact that we moved every couple of years didn’t help any. If anything, it just made it worse.
My husband is my best friend and we talk but sometimes I would like there to be someone that I could really share those very personal thoughts with. Especially someone that wouldn’t judge me and just listen. Sometimes they are spiritual matters (he isn’t a practicing Christian) others just personal stuff.
Yeah, there’s always a fear of judgment lurking in the background. Maybe it’s a social dynamic created by an older traditional Christian mindset…you know, the one where we shoot our wounded. Christians should be the first to embrace and admit our own faults. But we’re scared of the firing squad.
The irony is this…I am not really an introvert, but in our group I am the outsider. I have not a lick of trouble making friends with a tree stump…online or in person. That hasn’t always been the case. When I was younger, I was always afraid of what people might think of me. God kind of changed that for me. I see that He likes me the way I am. That has allowed me to open up and allow people closer, even at the risk of being hurt.
Good for you. I hope I can learn some of this.
I hear you. I have reclusive tendencies to begin with, and find it difficult to get out there and make friends. Having Bible studies helps, but I always–ALWAYS–feel like the odd woman out. I’m always younger, more eccentric, etc., etc., etc. I have a few people in my life who seem to be making an effort to be my friend, though… And I’m grateful they’re in my life. Just like I’m grateful I can say my husband is my best friend and I have a vast array of similarly eccentric friends online.
The problem with being a recluse, which my wife and I are, it can just compound the problem. Sometimes it hurts when you withdraw for whatever reason and the people you think are friends don’t bother to come looking for you. We try to recognize when people we know are doing this so we can seek them out. It just doesn’t always happen in return, you know?
This must just be the way things are, because I’m the same way and everybody I know is similar. I thank God that he’s populating our family with kids who I like to hang out with. I’ll just be friends with my kids and my hubby. We’ll be a clan!
I think I can safely say that at least 80% of women are like this and maybe as much as 90% of men. It is a huge social problem. Maybe it’s a side effect of social media, in that social media enables us to hide. Maybe it’s a side effect of the break down of families. Or maybe it’s a side effect of judgmental religionism. Maybe it’s all of the above.
I never really thought about it much until a few years ago when I heard Lisa Whelchel speak on the topic. I moved at least every 3 years in my youth…well, even through college actually. So, just as I started to really develop friendships they were over. I’m slowly working my way through Lisa’s book, Friendship for Grown-ups. Fantastic insights into my brain!! I honestly don’t know how she does it.
I, too, am very thankful for you, love!
I love you too.
Oh, you nailed this with me. Of course I can always blame the aspie (“just autistic enough to be interesting” is how I usually put it), but the truth is I lack a lot of courage when it comes to making friends. I’ve been burned pretty badly a few times in my life, and I’ve become cautious. Maybe that too has something to do with adults and the difficulty in letting down their guard. After all, as we age we also grow in life experience, which means also (sadly) that people have let us down along the way. The trick is in not using that experience to isolate ourselves.
Just a thought anyway.
I’ve been burned a few times too. It’s not fun. I think past experience does have something to do with this. It’s more difficult to open yourself up if people have hurt you over it in the past.
Kristine, will you be my friend?
@LeliaForeman; Sure, I’d LOVE to!
Looking for you on Facebook now!
Great topic. I relate because I have worked hard to keep those few friends I do have close even though we now live miles apart. In my experience I find it takes time to keep a friendship and it takes being vulnerable. I’ve been reluctant to expose those caring feelings I have, but when I did – gratefully they were returned in kind, and our friendship grew.
It is hard to be vulnerable and not come across as needy when I meet someone new. That is the issue I struggle with because I don’t open up easily. Being eccentric as well as major type A, I have to overcome those traits to fit into a friendship. Being open about my love for God has also been an obstacle in the past. People assume I will be judgmental and often times don’t give me the chance for friendship. Not because of any comments I make, but because I openly attend Bible studies and church. It was what our country has become imo.
One of close personal friends today also grew up moving a lot and leaving friends. He said once that he did not keep friends when he moved away. There was no one from his past he kept in touch with. But my husband and I have pushed the envelope by visiting them over the years and the friendship has remained alive and is continuing to grow. Recently his wife said to me, “Seems like no matter how long it is between visits, we always seem to pick up where we left off. I like that.”
Thanks for being vulnerable with this post.
I love those friends I’ve had for a long time. They always recharge me. Being vulnerable is not always the problem…it’s being able to put in the time needed to build up to that. Maybe we’re just too busy for friends.
I think feeling like the charity case is a misconception on your part. If you pursued God, then you know that love is greater than all of this. Even though you may feel that way, your brain is telling you differently. Check that your perception of your non-friend status is clear. Sometimes we use the wrong tools to measure ourselves and I’d bet that’s what you’ve done.
Like I said in the post, I’m not the only one that feels this way…including the people I think treat me like a charity case. We’re just all too stubborn or vulnerable to admit it to each other. The truth of the situation has nothing to do with the perception of the situation. I absolutely know the truth, and I seek people out because of it. But my perception is more difficult to change.
mrsmusicnerd, I’m thrilled there’s a book about this and that Lisa Whelchel wrote it! I’m going to look it up!
I used to have no difficulty making friends, even when we didn’t speak the same language. Like Diane says, even with tree stumps, although in my case, I preferred to make friends with trees that were still standing, flowers, and every little bat, bird, butterfly, lizard, and frog–
I played once for hours with a little Dutch girl, and neither of us said a word! (My parents were so impressed, they made sure to remind me of this occurrence after I was an adult)
And I am very blessed; I have had close friends turn into best friends on at least seven occasions now; and I still keep in touch with three of them on a regular basis, even though we live large distances apart. I miss the other four (or is it five?), and would dearly love to reconnect.
There is nothing quite like a chemical sensitivity straightjacket for shutting down all possibility of making good new friends and throwing hurdles into old friendships. I can barely attend church now; only if I go in last and leave quickly first without talking to anyone. I pay for the privilege of being there at all.
I can’t strike up a decent conversation in stores any more, although I still try to talk to people; I’m desperate to hear other voices! But if the person I’d like to talk to isn’t a smoker or wearing some personal care product that sets my condition off, the “thou shalt not linger in stores” principle still comes into play, and anyway, my brain on store-chemicals is guaranteed to not make sense at some point–not the way to impress people and encourage them to get closer, and I never see the same people shopping twice.
I mostly avoid my daughter’s school functions and activities because one person accessorized with volatile organic compounds is trouble enough; 600 to 1,000 of them crosses over into impossible to deal with. I can’t hold my breath long enough, or sit far enough away, or–anything–to make this better.
I try not to linger at the public library, and I just don’t or can’t go much of anywhere else.
Inviting people over in my condition is problematic too–and going to their houses is this huge leap of faith and trust for me; one that I have made in error too many times already. When I go, I can’t eat or drink just anything, or inhale candle scents, air fresheners, bleach fumes, etc. I get into real physical trouble if I do. I am precisely the kind of guest-challenge that no host or hostess wants to find on their guest-list, and I know it and hate that it is so.
I say all this not to complain, but to emphasize the reasons I have to be grateful. God has sent a select few local friends into my life in spite of all this–because I asked, (well, and wept, begged and pleaded with Him for months and months on end, but who’s counting?
). I now have a local friend (we met on Facebook) that I get together with occasionally; a small group Bible Study that meets every other week; and my mother’s cousin. They may not be in the category of best friends yet; but we’re learning to get closer.
Real closeness and trust will take time, and can’t be rushed.
And I am so very grateful for my online friends as well; and that people like you are willing to put up with people like me. Even when we’re hard to love!<3
I think that all it takes even as an adult is a willingness to reach out and talk to other people; to connect; and to talk to God daily about sending the right caliber of friends into your life; the kind of friends you can dare to get close to.
You’re right about praying. I lot of it requires a change of attitude in our own lives so that we can recognize the potential friends God puts before us. But I also think the issue is so prevalent that even that potential friend may be feeling the same way and need the same sort of revelation. There’s a social cycle here that’s difficult to break. That’s why close intimate friends should be more cherished and are more rare than ever.
Will you be my facebook friend?
Sure.
I’m with Di on this one…I have never had trouble making friends. My mom used to say that I’ve never met a stranger. I do find it harder as I’ve gotten older…mainly because of the added responsibilities that keep me from committing the same time and effort to friendships that I did as a kid. Still, I’ve got several friends, a few close ones, even one dating back to first grade. What can I say? I love people…
Lucky you. I guess that puts you in the top 10-20% of people. It’s people like you that seek out the friend-making challenged that breaks the cycle. Never forget that even though you’re good at making friends, there are a lot of people around you that feel absolutely alone. You can make a huge difference in their lives.
I can only make friends online. Of course, those aren’t really “friends”. Perhaps it’s the filtering influence of the internet that makes it possible. In the face to face world (F2FW) people are learned or been trained to be suspicious of anyone who even smiles their direction.
I was in a grocery a few days ago and I passed a young girl about 7 in the aisle, singing to herself in the cart as her mother gathered items from the shelves. It was a cute scene, so I smiled at the girl. She stopped her singing and the mother turned at the sudden silence. They waited until I passed by before returning to their innocent life.
Online we know we won’t actually ever have to meet, so we feel free to elaborate, to open up, to give in because the risks are lower online, the intimacy quicker and, unfortunately, the rewards also lower.
It is a sad state our society is coming to, where we mistrust people in person but rather lend our trust to people we never meet.
I think for me too, and perhaps all of us here, that written communication lends more controll and caution even when I am being very forward with my thoughs becuase I have the greatest power and the greatest comfort with that form of communication. I don’t speak well, I trip over myself and say stupid things that invariably come off wrong, which just makes me more lible to followup with somethign else equally stupid. I don’t have that problem when I write. I can calculate. I can be exact. Not that I calculate what I will say for selfish or controlling ends of the other person, but for my own piece of mind that I was clear, and that my thoughts will be properly understood and not come out in a jumble. Also, what I love about wiritng it down is that sometimes when I’m in the dumps I can go back and re-read old messages and remember ‘Ah yes, somebody not bouond to me by law or blood chooses to care for me.’
And by ‘written’, I refer to online e-mail communication with people we don’t get to see in person of course. So much for being clear
I’m the same way. People sometimes think less of me because I’d rather write a letter than face them or call them with my concern. I try to explain that it’s through written word that I communicate best and that I might misspeak if I talk in person.
I’ve always thought if you had one really good friend, close or far away, you were doing good. I personally don’t know anyone who has more than two, really, really good friends. I mean friends that see you at your worst and don’t leave the relationship. You know, the kind that hold to the credo “Good friends help you move a couch; great friends help you move a body.”
Friends that challenge you, cut you in the marrow of your being, impose on you, trespass, allow you the same right of trespass and imposition and marrow slicing, the ones that are so grafted into your life that you would be a different person without them, are rare.
I love what C.S. Lewis says about friendship. “Friendship happens at the moment one person says to another “What, you too? I thought I was the only one!”
I have other friends, friends from work, friends that I hang out with, friends that I have volunteered with for various causes, and friends from church. But none of them come as close as the one I’ve been buddies with for 12 years. And that’s okay. I don’t expect them to be as close to me as that friend is, I just enjoy the fellowship we have. In time I might find another kindred spirit to be grafted into my life from the group of surface friends. But I won’t know for a while.
My advice, for what it is worth, is this:
Be willing to be someone else’s surface friend, and enjoy the laughter and fun and sharing that happens on that level. Stick around. Spend time with the people you genuinely like. Be patient. Be willing to reach out when someone voices a need. Friendships are built, not discovered. And building takes time.
Thank you for the advice. I think time is a real problem, for making new friends and for keeping up with old ones.
I’ve managed to lose touch with all my friends down the years. I stay in regular contact with one in Australia and still consider him a close friend, but one email a year really isn’t enough.
I think I started losing my friends right after I met my wife. I saw my mom’s marriage woes and decided the only way to make a successful marriage was to devote myself to my wife 100%. We’ve been together 23 years now and I can honestly say I love my wife more today than when we first tied the knot. And when my kids came along, I had even less room for friendship.
So, for me, I guess it comes down to not investing time and energy outside my family. Whenever I meet a potential friend, it never develops because I don’t have enough to give to make it a close friendship.
My best friend is my wife too. And I know one day my children will become close friends. I guess families are designed to do that, though it doesn’t often happen. But outside friends are invaluable too.
I do love this thread. I guess I’ve been quite blest as I have at least a handful of people I count as “close” friends, those I can share my deepest joys and fears and secrets with. But yes, it took effort on both sides to get to that place, years of give and take. And though we’re all terribly busy with one thing or another now and live miles apart, we make the effort to visit every year or so, call every few months, and send an occasional email. They are our truest and best, and I guess I could say I’m a little jealous for them – others better treat them right!
I also have tons of acquaintances I feel /could/ be good friends if … we all had the time. Yes, time seems to be a huge factor. So.. what it all seems to boil down for with me is that those with whom I have the most in common, those whose personalities mesh best with mine, those with whom we “informally agree” to accept one another as we are, they are the ones I cherish, and would literally do anything for.
Great topic. Near and dear to my heart.
Thanks, Kev.
Thank you! I love to speak on topics that secretly everyone thinks about but rarely speaks of.
When we had our violent, autistic daughter still living with us, many people would not visit because our daughter scared them and over thirty years only four families ever invited us over. Unfortunately, we had to move away from everybody who liked out daughter. I made such plans for when I ever got free, but by the time we got our daughter in a happy situation, I was deaf and diabetic and tired. So, no, I won’t run for school board, I won’t attend city council meetings, I won’t go to ballets and plays, and I will quit the one non-profit board I ever joined and never join another one. I visited shut-ins, but now that I am close to one (not as badly as the gal with chemical sensitivities) I see I was not near diligent enough. Still, I could make friends, if I worked at it. I just never think of it as I go about my busy days. And so. What does God require of me? I have a few deep friends far away, and maybe I need to settle for that and spend more time on ministry of some sort. Something I can do before I get tired.
Lelia, (((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))!
If you lived here, I’d try to talk you into meeting up! In fact, if any of the rest of you who have commented here live in Lincoln, Nebraska, or close enough to connect, I’m always happy to have one more friend and I would really love visitors. I haven’t even had one real visitor that is just mine come to visit me since I moved in November.
I just need any visitors to be careful around me and in my living space with what they bring with them.
And I don’t want you to think I’m a total shut-in. I’m more often “shut-out” than shut-in. I feel quite well in any contaminant-free outdoor space.
In summer it’s great, because I can always go to any sizable park.
There’s no easy solution. Just remember that there are people all around you that feel exactly the same way, they just won’t admit it.
Friendship does take effort–not just to initiate, but to maintain. As a missionary kid, I learned to make friends fast because of having to move so often. It sounds cold, but I also learned to let go of relationships that weren’t going to be worth maintaining over time. Because I went to boarding school, I developed many deep, sibling-like friendships during my growing-up years. All those friends are still my friends today, even though we rarely see each other, if at all. I remain close to friends from every “era” of my life, but it does take effort! Facebook has been a real boon for me because it makes it so much easier for me to stay connected to my “real” friends. I have a circle of local friends that I greatly enjoy spending time with as I am able. My friends are my greatest treasure–one that I can take to heaven with me! But I worry about my husband. He literally has no close friends at all. He is no longer in touch with any of his childhood friends. He is on very “friendly” terms with many of his coworkers and men at church–but he doesn’t reveal anything about himself to them–it’s all small talk. I’m the only one he’s close to, except for his brother. I can’t imagine going through life without my friends. But I can’t make my husband reach out to others if he doesn’t want to, either.
I think men are worse off and more silent with this than women. Men don’t want to admit any weakness. Case in point…only one man has commented on this thread, though I know several have read it.
Reblogged this on Keven Newsome and commented:
My article this week on The Cheesecake Thickens.
Keven, my husband and I feel exactly like that a lot!
Lots of people do. You’re not alone.